When I First Met EE

By the Evil Minions

Acknowledgements

I always knew that Evil existed, but I never thought he'd be noshing bagels and lox with me while resting on the fluffy cushions scattered in my living room. I wish I could say I remember it all with crystal-clear clarity, but I don't. The memories I do retain are as grey and fuzzy as the muttonchops on his face.

Wednesday had started normally enough, that I do know. There was a sparrow chattering crazily outside of my window but other than that it seemed like just another day.

Until the bad lox kicked in and I started screaming from the gut cramps and ran into the other room.

After a heave and a ho (I think she was a friend of Evil's) in the Hall of the Porcelain King, I returned to find the dedicated Editor surrounded by an array of laptops and electronic devices.

There was tinny music rising from one of the laptops. I paused for a moment as I tried to place the melody -- it was a song I remembered well from my teenage years but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

No, wait! It was a Barry White song! And you know what that means!

It means someone's gettin' DOWN tonight.

Robin was almost at the front door and the Evil one was psyching himself up for her visit.

He had on his special thong, the one with the anteater picture and the strategically located hole.

He paused for a moment in front of the mirror to take in his reflection and purr."Whoops," he said, whipping off the thong quickly. "I've put these on the wrong way round."

Just then the doorbell rang. A fierce yapping pierced the air. "When did Robin get a dog?" he wondered.

But then EE realised the barking came from outside the door. A vague memory of an alcoholic dream wafted through his mind. A memory of an invitation he'd issued during a gin-soaked business dinner.

Thinking quickly, he rearranged the thong (Get a size larger next time, he reminded himself) and dashed for the bathroom where poor Robin was still prostrate with bad fish."Quickly! Lend me your hairbrush!"

"My hairbrush?"

"Also, a lipstick, yo-yo, paper clip, and some kite string."

Another wave of cramps hit Robin, who nodded weakly. "Take whatever you need, my darling."

Then she threw up again.

Rummaging through the various drawers in her kitchen, EE found the paperclip and kite string. They'd used a yo-yo the night before, so he rushed to grab that from the bedroom.

He had to pause at Robin's vanity table, trying to find the lipstick he needed."Robin, my honeysuckle, my plum pudding, don't you have any actual red lipstick?"

More knocking, accompanied by a basso growl, sounded from without.

Suddenly, Robin and Evil heard a strange sound on the rooftop. An instant later they saw the rope lines and they ducked, just in time, as Miss Snark rappelled into the kitchen.

"Killer Yap says he wants to be groomed NOW, Evil, and now means NOW by Dog!"

She advanced on EE, who was busy assembling a McGuyveresque concoction of yo-yo, hairbrush and paperclip.

"Back off, Snark, or it's the poodle clip!"

Hoping not to have to resort to violence, EE waved the tube of not-red lipstick in front of Snark's face. Robin tensed, despite her earlier queasiness, ready to take out Snark if the woman dared to advance on her muttonchop beloved.

Snark halted, her stiletto heels digging into the berber. A moue of distaste puckered her botoxed face. "You wouldn't dare! I'm SO not an Autumn!"

But Killer Yapp, the little ankle biting eunuch, drew first blood. He shredded EE's socks and began to gnaw his ankles.

"Woman, your dog is molesting me," EE yelled.

"Why the hell did you open the door for that fuzzy rat-dog?" EE yelled at Robin, who leaned drunkenly against the wall, eyes crossed with pain.

"Huh? Wazza mrrfff bleh?"

"Save the cute nicknames for the bedroom," EE hissed, trying to disengage Killer Yap while salvaging his precious socks. He muttered to himself, "This is what I get for getting involved with minions. Even sexy minions."

"Talking to yourself, darling?" Snark asked, still eyeing the tube of lipstick disdainfully.

EE noticed then that Snark wasn't talking to him at all. Nor the dog. Was she really talking to the lipstick?

Then he realized why the lipstick wasn't red: because it wasn't lipstick at all. It was a caterpillar.

"Salmgundi and damnit to Hell, Snark! Yapp just took a dump on my laptop. You owe me big time!"

Suddenly the door was pushed wider as an army of moles rushed in. They surrounded the yappy little dog and tickled him with their vibrissae until he passed out. They then shouldered the unconscious canine and marched out.

"Cameo appearances aren't what they used to be," muttered Kiku as she shoved the door closed behind her.

Then Robin took matters into her own hand. Or hands, as it were.Because she knew, she just knew, that she and EE were fated to be together...forever.

(Or until he went wandering off and leaving her in the lurch.)

And now, a brief musical interlude.

"Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.
I go about my business, I'm doin' fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you."

- Jewel

Following that brief musical interlude, we pick up the action with Robin watching EE prop his new alligator boots on the railing of his gigantic sailboat down there on Park Avenue.

"Because she knew, she just knew, that she and EE were fated to be together...forever.

"Oh, no, that was Jesse, somebody else's hero.

Robin blew her nose on a Post-It Note® about Kleenex® and wondered whether, in his deepest heart and despite his outward predilection for hot tub hussies, the Evil One shared her fondness for sappy old rom-coms.

Somewhere in a strange dream sequence, alligator boots became alligator boobs, and Robin was wondering ...

"Are you ignoring me?" Miss Snark snarked snarkily.

"Honeybun, would I do a thing like that?" Evil Editor ejaculated roguishly.

"Who are you calling Honeybun? I'm your one true love," Robin wept copiously.

EE took her in his arms. Then he pushed her back so he could wipe the snot off his shoulder.

Romantic interludes are not what they used to be, thought Robin, who in a pique stomped on EE's instep and rounded on Snark.

"Hey, he doesn't deserve either of us. What do you say, you and me go get pizza?"

"Ha, that's just what Brenda and Deece and Kiersten and A. and Micky and anonymous cute bakery owner want us to do."

"I doubt he'd be happy with any of them. Besides, we'll be back in an hour. What can happen in an hour?"

"Plenty. But, yanno, if we tie him up..."

"On it!" Robin pounced, taking EE down in prime WWE style. "Grab me that curtain cord, quick!"

With EE securely hog-tied and gagged, Robin and Miss Snark set out in search of pizza, leaving KY to guard the enraged editor. Too bad they forgot that he still had the yo-yo, the paperclip and the hairbrush shoved down his pants.

Using his prehensile tongue, EE flipped open his cell phone and dialed. "Deece, babe, I need you bad. Come on over to Robin's and take me away. And bring some bacon. KY's guarding the door to Paradise, Sweets."

Using his teeth, EE removed the string from the yo-yo; then with his tongue, he tied one end to the paper clip and the other to the hairbrush. Perfect, he thought. By the time Deece gets here I'll be free.

"Oops, we'll go with EE's!"

With my what? EE thought, then realized it was his evil twin personality.

Not now! Quickly, EE got himself loose and stuck his fingers in his ears. When Deece arrived a few minutes later, it was to find our intrepid hero with his fingers in his ears and eyes squinched shut, reciting over and over, "I'm not listerning, I'm not listening."

"And this is news?" Deece said. "What man ever listens? My husband hasn't heard a word I've said since I told him we were out of beer four years ago. Furthermore, why is there a fluffy white guinea pig latched onto my tush?"

"Sweetheart, what you do for fun is none of my concern," EE said, "although remind me to try it some time. For now, get rid of this ridiculous dog. We have pizza to get!"

Deece tickled the guinea pig until it let go, rubbed its furry hide against her cheek and purred, then tossed it to KY. KY leapt for it, forgetting he was just a little poodle, and the guinea pig got him by the throat.

Ignoring EE's cries of, "I want to watch!" Deece pushed him out the door past the dueling dog and pig. KY's final yap went unheard.

"Now maybe Snark will put a different picture on her last blog post," EE said. "A weredingo."

Suddenly, just before they emerged, EE froze. "Something strange is happening!"

"Well, isn't it always on your blog?" snapped Deece.

"No -- the dog! How can the dog be here when the moles removed him half a blog ago? I think we're caught in a time loop...doomed to repeat the events of this story over and over and over again...."

EE screamed as he found himself wearing the anteater thong again, sitting on fluffy cushions in Robin's living room with a handful of lox and bagel. His muttonchops stood on end with horror as he realized that his whole life was being edited...most evilly.

(As the picture wavers in the traditional "flashback" manner, a parade of moles passes across the front of the stage, bearing a banner reading A HAPPY MOLAR EQUINOX TO ALL.)